For so long I didn’t blog because I had nothing new to say. “We are still waiting. It’s been 6 months and we haven’t heard anything new.” “We are still waiting. It’s been a year and we haven’t heard anything new.” “We are still waiting. It’s been 3 years and we haven’t heard anything new.”
Doesn’t make for riveting reading – or writing!
But now, things are happening and my head and mind and heart are going faster than I can write the words down. So I’ll try to blog in these coming weeks so I can chew on a bit at a time as we prepare to welcome our DAUGHTER home.
Yes. Our daughter. Legally. Officially. Until death do us part.
After 6 long years, we got word this week that we have a new daughter! Abby’s adoption has gone through and now we wait on visas and passports and then she will come home! It could be 6 weeks at the very absolute quickest. We are just continuing to hope and pray for it happening this summer.
When I was pregnant with my firstborn, I was overdue. I went in to be checked and they said “this baby has to come out” and told me I was being induced that night. I remember saying “Already? But I’m not ready!!” Even though I had 9 months to prepare, and was already overdue – I was not ready. I remember thinking – once she comes out, she’s here forever. Have I done everything I need to do to prepare for her arrival? There’s no turning back now!
And now I have feelings much the same. This could very well be one of the longest paper pregnancies ever – but again, moving from the IDEA of a new daughter to the reality of a new daughter’s arrival leaves me with three words rattling around in my head. I’m. Not. Ready.
Of course, as my patient hubby reminds me, we are in fact ready. “She could come home tomorrow and we’d be ready” he calmly tells me. Her room is painted and prepped. Her bed is made. Clothes are folded and put away. We’ve got toys and books waiting.
But yet… I’m not ready.
Have I grown enough spiritually, learned enough about her culture, mastered enough Creole, wrestled enough with the hard issues around adoption (specifically transracial international adoption), have I prepared her sisters enough, have I prayed enough, have I…
And that’s when I hear it “I” and “enough” over and over. Then I realize I have the wrong three words. It’s not “I’m not ready” but instead it should be “I am enough”.
I am enough.
I will move forward in these coming weeks of preparation – these labour pains if you will – and continue to try and improve and grow to be the best mama to all three of my girls. But a weight feels lifted.
I am reminded I will never come to a point where I say – NOW I am ready completely and entirely. There is always something left to do, an area of my life I want to fix, lessons to learn.
But I can come to a place where I say – here I am at this moment – right now –
and I’m offering what I have to do my best with God’s strength and guidance.
I am enough.
Come on home Abby – we are so ready for you.