I love Christmas. Not just the day – but the season. It is such a time of anticipation and rejoicing – both in tangible ways and in my faith. The month of December is a busy time as my birthday, our anniversary and Christmas are all within three weeks. But it is my three favourite weeks of the year.
My mom teaches grieving courses and I have often heard her say Christmas is a hard time for so many people. People who are grieving the loss of a loved one for a first Christmas without them. Memories are raw, and their absence is felt even more so in the celebrations of Love.
This Christmas is the first time I am experiencing this mix of emotions. I love Christmas and I am so excited for the coming festivities. But this year there was an added sting. I had really hoped to know who we are adopting by the time Christmas came. So when the calendars changed to December 1st and still no word from Haiti, this momma’s heart grieved. It was one more milestone, one more holiday passing without word. I don’t know my child’s face or name – but my heart is already there and aching and grieving for them this season especially. I have always loved coming up with our goofy Christmas cards – but this year I had really, really hoped to have an extra name to include on our card and am having a hard time getting up the gumption to put our cards together because it means I’m moving on from this hope. It sounds silly I’m sure but I’m prone to being irrational when the hearts involved. 🙂
So the other night as I got ready to crawl into bed with a heavy heart – I jotted a quick email to a few of my gal friends who are my support. Just asking for prayer as I’m feeling a bit sad as I let go of this hope of knowing my child (at least on paper!) by Christmas. Within minutes I had a response. The next day I had another. And another. And the weight of my heart’s pain started to lift.
Today we had Christmas music playing, and Madi said “mom, I think this song is about adoption.” It was a song I’ve heard a million times but never really listened to…. such a difference between hearing and listening. So, I started it over and cranked it up. And listened this time. And cried. The song isn’t just about adoption – but it’s about the pain of adoption I’m feeling today. And somehow knowing someone understands – and the reminder that Someone is holding my baby in His loving arms – allowed me to exhale. To breathe. To relax knowing that I’m not in control. I’m not the one setting the timelines and making things happen. But I know the One who is in control. And I can breathe knowing my babe is in the loving arms of the One who made them – who knows and loves them even more than this Momma’s heart ever can.
So, I give you this song… it was an early Christmas gift to me today. It is by Third Day – a band I love and who are passionate about adoption. They have some great adoption resources HERE.
And the lyrics can be seen here.
Merry Christmas, little one. Momma loves you! xoxo
jeffersons + 